It seems like my weight has been stuck again. It also seems like I write one of these posts every few months, then I get on track to lose another dozen or so pounds before getting stuck again. These aren't plateaus, not in my mind. I won't consider it a plateau unless I'm doing everything right and not losing anyways.
Every time, I look at what I'm doing and what I need to change. It's almost always the same thing. Eat clean, track my food, control portion sizes. Not rocket science. I have no problem keeping up my activity, but I have always maintained that I do that for health, not weight loss. Running makes me hungry, after all. If I don't remember to keep my nutrition in check, I am quite capable of eating every single calorie that I burn.
This time, I'm asking the question: what am I afraid of? Why do I keep stalling?
It's something I've given a lot of thought to, and I've realized that there is a part of me that is afraid to finish this journey. The thing is, the end could actually be pretty close if I apply myself. When I started, I needed to lose over 60 pounds to be healthy. That was huge. Now, I just need to lose a bit more then 20. 3 more pounds down, and I break out of the 200s - for the final time. 23 and I will be at a healthy weight. I expect I'll lose more after that to achieve my ideal weight for running, but my primary goal is to be healthy, and then I'll reevaluate.
In many ways, this journey has changed me, and defined me over the last year. So, what happens when it's done? Well, intellectually, it's simple: I continue the journey I've started in other areas of my life, primarily triathlons. I intend to do a full ironman eventually, so this isn't a short journey either.
Emotionally though, I think I am afraid to reach a point where I don't need to lose weight. I have almost always needed to lose weight. Even when I've lost it in the past, I really never stayed there for long. Losing weight isn't the hard part. It's keeping it off.
So, how to deal with that fear? First off, I'm acknowledging it. In some ways, I don't feel ready to reach my goal weight. Yet, I don't think I'll ever feel ready. Next I'm going to do it anyways.
I remember the first time I swam through the deep end of the pool. The idea terrified me. I made the choice to go forward and do it anyways. Now, I head to that same pool and swim laps without a second thought.
Today, I am making the choice to go forward and finish my weight loss journey. Within the next couple weeks, I'll be breaking through that 200 pound mark. By the summer time, perhaps even spring, the scale will be showing a healthy weight.