Sunday, January 23, 2011

What am I afraid of?

It seems like my weight has been stuck again. It also seems like I write one of these posts every few months, then I get on track to lose another dozen or so pounds before getting stuck again. These aren't plateaus, not in my mind. I won't consider it a plateau unless I'm doing everything right and not losing anyways.

Every time, I look at what I'm doing and what I need to change. It's almost always the same thing. Eat clean, track my food, control portion sizes. Not rocket science. I have no problem keeping up my activity, but I have always maintained that I do that for health, not weight loss. Running makes me hungry, after all. If I don't remember to keep my nutrition in check, I am quite capable of eating every single calorie that I burn.

This time, I'm asking the question: what am I afraid of? Why do I keep stalling?

It's something I've given a lot of thought to, and I've realized that there is a part of me that is afraid to finish this journey. The thing is, the end could actually be pretty close if I apply myself. When I started, I needed to lose over 60 pounds to be healthy. That was huge. Now, I just need to lose a bit more then 20. 3 more pounds down, and I break out of the 200s - for the final time. 23 and I will be at a healthy weight. I expect I'll lose more after that to achieve my ideal weight for running, but my primary goal is to be healthy, and then I'll reevaluate.

In many ways, this journey has changed me, and defined me over the last year. So, what happens when it's done? Well, intellectually, it's simple: I continue the journey I've started in other areas of my life, primarily triathlons. I intend to do a full ironman eventually, so this isn't a short journey either.

Emotionally though, I think I am afraid to reach a point where I don't need to lose weight. I have almost always needed to lose weight. Even when I've lost it in the past, I really never stayed there for long. Losing weight isn't the hard part. It's keeping it off.

So, how to deal with that fear? First off, I'm acknowledging it. In some ways, I don't feel ready to reach my goal weight. Yet, I don't think I'll ever feel ready. Next I'm going to do it anyways.

I remember the first time I swam through the deep end of the pool. The idea terrified me. I made the choice to go forward and do it anyways. Now, I head to that same pool and swim laps without a second thought.

Today, I am making the choice to go forward and finish my weight loss journey. Within the next couple weeks, I'll be breaking through that 200 pound mark. By the summer time, perhaps even spring, the scale will be showing a healthy weight.


  1. I think what you are experiencing is not uncommon. I have a similar experience. I have yet to have a real plateau ... getting stuck is always caused (for me) by waffling on my plan.
    The fears are real, I think. For many of us, our weight has defined us, for good or ill. But another, simpler, aspect is that it is damn hard to be perfect. Yes, some people never slip, but they are few and far between.
    I look at my fake plateaus as an opportunity to really evaluate how much I want this. Because the answer is not obvious, although to the non-imaginative it should be. So far, I have busted past the stalemates, because the answer has been "Yes, yes, I want to not settle for mediocre."

  2. I to understand what you are going through. I was actually just thinking about it the other day. Something always seems to hold be back from going lower then a certian weight. I sat at that weight for several months. But this time I think I've broken trough it and and am moving forward again. I don't want to be fearful of reaching that goal. Or maybe it's ok to be fearful, but I won't let it stop me this time and neither will you!

  3. Good for you for desiring to gofor your goal weight. If you belief and know that is an ideal weight for you, then no reason you should not finish the mission to get there. Awesome self-chat you've had here, great way to arrive at such an important decision!